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DEATH BY DAIQUIRI

For those of you who have not as yet seen the film Hotel For Dogs, there are some important life lessons buried in the deep metaphors of this cinematic gem.

1.You do not need to teach dogs to steal license plates off of police cars, they already want to.

2.Never lie to your friends, they will immediately find out and spill a bowl of punch on the dead person's dress you stole from an abandoned building.

3.Stealing is wrong, but the inventor of shrink wrap is still a genius.

4.You should never eat hot dogs outdoors.

5.Dogs are smarter than adults, but subservient to children.

6.The secret to eternal happiness is to screw up repeatedly until more responsible people steer you correctly onto a more constructive path.

7.Animal control officers are evil, they are not beyond beating up children and their cars run on the carcasses of dead puppies.

8.Contrary to popular belief, abandoned buildings are not filled with junkies, homeless people and miscreants, but rather amusement parks for stray dogs.

9.There are no cats in America and there are no stray Pit Bulls in New York.

10.You will watch just about anything within reach when you have three hours of sleep and nine hours of work behind you.

It's that time of year again folks, when you act extra kind to people you secretly want to strangle, show courtesy to plenty of distracted whackjobs who don't deserve it and wish people all sorts of seasonal greetings that mean pretty much nothing. They tip the mailman, their chiropractor, the paperboy, sometimes even the garbageman, so they don't tell the whole neighborhood about how maybe three times a year they see empty containers of extra-small condoms and about three times a month they find their discarded phone bill covered in exotic phone sex calls. But do we get a second look, a hey, thanks for this past year's service, thanks for compensating for our slacking and screwing off, thanks for getting that package in on time because I got too drunk on my two-hour lunch break to remember to do anything on time every Friday. Nothing. What I did get was hassled by a Municipal Safety Cop, because I was hauling around everything but the kitchen sink on Christmas Eve morning and happened to stop at the end of Long Wharf where he could corner me. I got a lecture about helmets amd licenses and numbers, and I got a suggested threat as to what would happen if I was caught again without these things outside the Christmas season. Is that what Christmas is about? Setting up a scenario for you to be a good samaritan even though you went out of your way to be a pain in the balls? Well guess what? Two can gift in that way. You're welcome Boston, for me not telling you all how inept you are behind the wheels of your car; last minute turns without signaling, sexting your significant other with one hand down your pants and nothing guiding the wheel, crowding the whole world at the curb because nothing is as important as you getting to work twenty mintues late rather than twenty-five. Your welcome Boston, for not being replaced by an entire workforce of efficient employees, who are able to do the job you pretend is impossible without seven imperitive hours of Facebook fellatio. Your welcome Boston, for trying to kill bicycles with your ten pound rolling hammer, because you think of them as mosquitoes, deserving to be splattered across the pavement. Most of all, you're welcome Boston, for not being exposed to the endless shame of not trusting your own citizens to choose how much they want to drink and when, after eleven, Sundays, holidays, etc. Proof positive you're all irresponsible screw-ups, except for us however, we have the foresight to forgive ourselves, or punish ourselves, with more drinking. Happy Holidays, and Happy New Year.

Based on the account of an EMT ambulance driver, it came to my attention that the myth of light frequencies and spectrums that can actually change red lights to green are a reality. It occurs to me, that should we find scientists, engineers and fabricators, sympathetic to our cause, our front lights could be re-tooled, rigged to elicit the same flashing pattern, burst and spectrum that said lights create, giving us an endless stream of green lights, negating the need to slow down or come to a stop ever. Though, with this in mind, if we truly are the ardent professionals we claim to be, said lights would be unnecessary, however, they couldn't hurt. But in the interest in cost-effectiveness, the violation of federal law, years of underground research and the inconsistency of dependence upon technology I would like to politely suggest that all traffic come to a halt in our presence, not out of respect, not for safety's sake, not even because you're the guy in your office who sends out all the last minute super rush packages at 4:50 to Pemberton sq., but because if you don't get out of our way, we'll get there by any means necessary, and that happens to include over the river, through the woods, across your path and through you.

Labels: u

So, after seven long years of nervous checking, night sweats, frantic excuses and heroin-fueled, chainsaw-wielding butterflies in my stomach every time I locked my bike, I finally manned up and sent my archaic cylinder-type u-lock back to Kryptonite in the hopes that they would replace it, even though the statute of limitations had passed many moons ago on their swap program. Upon calling them, I was told to 'just send it in and we'll send you back new keys or a replacement in two weeks'. I'm happy to report that after almost two months, they weren't lying, well, not really. When I got home from work tonight, sure enough, there was a brand new lock waiting for me, light-up extra key and all. I'd like to thank the fabulous Super Edin Brothers for loaning me the use of a spare, (you all may have assumed that I was just going to adopt it for my own) and whole-heartedly endorse Kryptonite's swap program to anyone who has yet to ditch their cylinder lock. You can't put a price on piece-of-mind, but according to the packaging the lock came in, you can put a price on theft, it's two-grand, which ain't bad. I would also like to encourage anyone in this city to consider the swapping of other things that don't function the way they should; your girlfriends, your glass eye, your disposable income, your free time, movies you don't watch, tools, shoes and pretty much most government jobs. I have a pouch full of beads and a sharp implement with your name on it that I would be happy to swap. Thanks.

As far as weather is concerned, most the year doesn't belong to us. As far as weather is concerned, we don't belong outdoors. As far as weather, most of the year belongs to the indoor class; the air-conditioned, heat-set, those who have chairs. But some days in the midst of fighting through, there is a sunny day, a warmer temperature, it's as if time stands still at an earlier date and we pass through a wormhole into the past. It's a full workday dream-sequence, where we wake up just as we had been the day before, only refreshed, renewed.

Forget for a moment that it snowed yesterday, forget for a moment that the lows are now in the 30s, and think back to Thursday, after the rain, after the uncertainty of the morning shower, when the sun came out, the temperature rose, and we had Spring in December. We don't remember them every year, we don't expect them most of the time, but they arrive regardless. These days, belong to us, they are ours for the taking, and we take them away from the weekend warrior, these days are for us, rather than against us. I know not to expect them, I don't want to explain them away, or jinx them by saying they're inevitable. I won't hold my breath waiting for one to show up, but should we have another day like Thursday, a Spring, or even a Fall day in the midst of Winter, I won't say no, I won't be dug into the ramparts of temperature control and blue-screen suntan. I'll be out, taking in the air, the sun and the glory. And while I bask in the glory of the great-changing Boston outdoors, I'll think back, on the rest of the year, when I actually had some jobs to do.

NEW LOGO & SHIRTS SOON!

New tshirts on the way soon, thanks BFRESH for the design!

GRUDGE MATCH 3!

Mark your calenders: Friday May 1st, Grudge Match 3. More details about the race and the ensuing party soon!

NACCC09BOSTON LOGO CONTEST

The 2009 NACCC needs a logo! It needs to be completely legible, say some combination of the following: BOSTON NACCC 2009, NACCC09 BOSTON, etc. This is the logo that would be on the official event t-shirt, stickers, patches, etc. I'm hoping to also use it (if it fits in the layout) at the top of the new NACCC website, which is nearly ready to post. Please let me know if you're interested in designing. I'd like to have all the submissions within 2 weeks (by weekend of Feb. 6th), then I'll put up some graphics and we can vote.

Volunteers interested in helping out with the event, please join the NACCC email list!

NEW NACCC SITE SOON!

It's coming together now! Anyone good at PHP/MySQL and want to donate a few hours? Get in touch!

PONY UP ii - SUCCESS!

This year's installment of Pony Up went great! Thanks to all the people who helped!

NYC swept the top 3, come on Boston, step it up!

PONY UP BITCHES!

Betting on Saturday opens at 3pm at 7 Sherman St. 3rd floor, Charlestown.

Get ready!

PONY UP BITCHES!(ii)

So, the winter is upon us. It's cold, it's snowy, it's slushy. Wintry mix.

Time to ride fast and party!

On January 10th the BBMA is throwing Pony Up 2, the second annual installment of our massively successful gambling alleycat. This year's event will also be a fundraiser for the 2009 NACCC. The party will get rolling around 3pm, keep your eyes out for the details on location!

The party will roll all night, so prepare yourselves! For those of you who saw the debauchery last year, expect at least the same this time around.

Thanks to our sponsors:

Open Bicycle
Trash Bags (MPLS)
Outlier
BBMA
Jacobs

Also, this will be the last race the BBMA's own Dark Angel will be rolling in for a while, make sure you try to keep his line!

SCUMBAG CUP 2007

We did give that girl the best coach available, and KP gave us the best dismount.

Sorry for the blown out audio.

PONY UP! (ii)

More details to come, but here's a flier!

NACCC 2008 CHICAGO!

So the 2008 NACCC's in Chicago have come and gone, and I'm finally sobered up enough to write a little report on the event. Augie and the ChiNACCC crew did a great job keeping us properly drunk, tired, sweaty and just overall satisfied.

After an all nighter helping Croth, Red and Lady Bird get our bikes ready for the plane, properly disguised as a trade show exhibit we all headed to the airport.

A couple hundred dollars in airport bar drinks later we boarded a plane for Chicago. Upon arriving we found ourselves in a disco wonderland called O'Hare.

Everything after I got off that plane is a bit blurry, as it should be. I know during that time I decided not to try and qualify, Croth killed it with 3rd overall, I killed many brain cells and memories, and I had a great time. There's far too much evidence of our debauchery on the internet already, so I'll hold off on some of the more illicit pictures, but here's a photo trip through our stay:

The city from 96 floors up.

Pure professional.

Chicago's architecture trumps Boston's, to say the least.

Tourists.

Making moves.

Tourists, really.

Red looking suave.

Croth should always wear skinsuits, they suit him so well.

This might be the fastest I went all weekend.

Travis holding it down.

Alex being artistic.

Red making himself comfortable.

Marco showing the rookies how it's done.

Grillmaster Chuey.

All about that guy.

Aquanetta.

Gettin' loose.

Souphorse workin' it.

Croth in the headlights.

DC's finest.

Austin + Chicago Critical Mass

That's right.

Boston reps hard.

Nap time.

10-9 DAY

So the annually celebrated Bicycle Messenger Appreciation Day has just passed, what did you do for your favorite package courier?

NACCC!

NACCC Chicago was a huge success! Croth got 3rd overall, killing it!

Boston also locked in our bid for NACCC09. Get ready! Full news post with pictures to come!

80 OZ TO FREEDOM

Was a blast! People got sauced, had fun, no one got hurt. We grilled, and no cops came! The sweet smell of success. Big Rob won it, and got hammered.

Fun little clip from CMWC XVI Toronto. How many Bostonians can you spot?

CMWC XVI TORONTO

Boston represented very well this year at the Cycle Messenger World Championships in Toronto, Ontario, Canada.

Pending official results it seems Croth got 8th place overall, Peter Bradshaw (ex-World Champion) got 10th, and I (Jacobs) got something like 17th. 3 in the top 20 isn't bad for a city with such a small messenger community! Congratulations to Sino from Tokyo on his well deserved win, Porno Steve from Zurich on his 2nd place, Jumbo from Copenhagen on 3rd and Austin Horse from NYC on his 4th place finish.

More photos and info once official results are posted and our hangovers fade.

BOSTON MASSIVE

was a massive success! Red Nate, Lady Bird, Croth and myself will be flying out to the Chicago NACCC's to rep Boston and put in our NACCC09 bid. Thanks to everyone who came out and partied, raced, and volunteered. Extra big thanks to Red Bull, and the New Amsterdam Project for making the whole night possible. More pictures available here.

BBMA IN THE PRESS

Sort of....I make a blurry appearance in the photo.

Read the full article here.

BOSTON MASSIVE - THE LOWDOWN

gathering for the race is 8:00PM @ BLACKSTONE SQUARE, in the south end on washington @ w newton/w brookline.

the party goes down at 10pm @ 7 sherman st., charlestown. careful in the sullivan square rotary, you want to be in all your pieces when getting to the party.

freestyle contest is free to enter, but you need to be there before 11 and come talk to me to let me know you're interested in competing for the $500 cash prize.

two simple rules:

"traffic incidents" get you DQ'ed from the race. some of you will hate this, but it's the way it is. you hit a car/get hit by a car/hit a ped/whatever, and i find out, you're out. keep it safe, and ride within your ability.

be respectful. to all volunteers, me, the party space, other racers/partiers, EVERYONE. for this night, be a nice person, or you're out of the race, and out of the party.

if you want to compete in the drinking contest, you need to bring a warm 12 pack (and don't drink it before the contest, needs to be unopened).

if you want to compete in the roller racing/gambling bracket, it's a minimum of $10 (to bet on yourself), but bring the $$$$ to throw down, cause you're going to want to place some bets.

we'll have refreshments, but you can definitely bring your own, and it is encouraged for you to do so, in order to keep the party going late with lubricant.

and for the sake of clarity: we are giving away 4 round trip plane tickets to the NACCC chicago. these tickets go to first male/female local, and out of town MESSENGERS. only messengers are eligible to compete in the NACCC, so you must be a messenger (present, working) in order to win tickets.

T SHIRTS NOW AVAILABLE!

Mustache not included. Thanks to Peter Bradshaw, Boston's own world champion cycle messenger for unknowingly modeling the new wares.

Get your own by emailing us, $10 or more (more is good!). We have all sizes available, white/fluorescent purple on black 100% cotton t's.

GLOBAL GUTZ 080808 RESULTZ!

Many thanks to the Wiz and company for putting on a great race, and to Ghostdad for spinning until 6:30am at the party.

MEN

1. jacobs 36:50
2. croth 37:10
3. eric slowski 38:50
4. pete rubi 40:49
5. gary bolivar 40:50
6. brendan shea 40:51
7. beardo 40.52

WOMEN

1. wenzday 46:50

We didn't do any registration, so only the top times got recorded.
Only 1 female raced (she got the 4th best female time in the world in this race too!) with about 40 people racing total. No accidents, no
incidents, and the race went directly through Red Sox and Bruins game
fans coming out of the arenas. The Global Gutz site has full results, with Boston getting 27th overall as it's highest placing.

GLOBAL GUTZ 2008 (no not that Global Gutz!)

Boston will be participating in the 8th annual Global Gutz alleycat this year. Our race is starting at 10PM SHARP on 4/19 at St. Stephens church on Hanover St. 10PM means 10PM, so don't be late, and please don't get there before 9:45. No registration, racing for bragging rights. Top global time for male and female contestants wins a ticket to the CMWC in Toronto! The format and race rules are available at the Global Gutz site. Party to follow with the BBMA's favorite host DJ Ghostdad, with all refreshment sales benefiting the BBMA.

The first NACCC09 organizational meeting will be this Thursday, April 3rd at 9pm, immediately following the monthly BBMA meeting.

17 Edinboro St. #4 - Chinatown

THE CHROME ACES

Some good friends to the BBMA, Billy Souphorse, Squid, and Chrome Bags (along with others) have given birth to a great project that will help raise funds for needy BMA's around the country! We here at the BBMA have a good stock of these very well made, very collectible playing cards. ALL MONEY RAISED goes to the BMA's from NYC, Chicago, Portland and San Francisco. You can find them at our monthly meetings, or by emailing us.

BOSTON MASSIVE is coming - 5/17/08. This will be an all day/all night partying, racing, dancing, drinking, freestyling extravaganza. The BBMA in part with some generous help from sponsors is going to be giving away 5 round trip airline tickets to the 2008 NACCC in Chicago at this event! Top male and female from out of town, as well as in town get tickets (along with a rep from the BBMA)! No registration fee, just tons of fun. The TRICK FOR TREAT finals will also be held at the afterparty, where the best fixed gear freestyler will win $500 cold hard cash!

Saw this public service announcement from England, and thought it was great. Watch it all the way through!

The BBMA represented well in NYC for Monstertrack weekend, with our very own Croth receiving top out of town honors (so we think, the results were a bit garbled). Croth was also awarded witha new bike from Affinity Cycles for his history of participation and contributions to the messenger community. Go Craig!

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